Intro.

This is my life.

I am a mother of 6 children, one who's passed, one who's not mine biologically, one who's not my husband's biologically, and our children together including a set of twin toddlers. My oldest, the stepdaughter, lives with us but visits her biological mother weekly (one night a week and every other weekend), she also has ADHD, ODD, Anxiety, learning disability and sleep disorder. My son has ADHD as well, and both are medicated, plus on supplements to help. My middle child is our golden child at school, but has night terrors and a ton of food intolerance and sensitives, and seasonal allergies. She is also vaccine injured that has left her with a system that likes to attack itself. My twins are very busy 18 month olds, one is advanced in speech and physically, the other while advanced physically and able to do sign language, is behind in speech and has a tongue tie, a turned in foot, a droopy lip and a slightly lazy eye. She's 5lbs lower in weight then her twin bro. But has way more hair and a few more teeth, lol. They're very different little beings!

I work at a "fast" food joint, I write for a local newspaper, I own and operate an online store and two specific blogs, I help the local community in running a babywearing page and do cloth diaper workshops, I volunteer with Canada's largest car seat safety non-proft organization and help run the local one. I have a degree in Early Childhood Education.

I'm married and have been with my husband for 7 years, married 5 of them, lived together 6 of them. My husband now is my second husband, my first one has passed as well.

And, I also have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, stemming from many unfortunate childhood incidents, including mental, physical and sexual abuse, homelessness, being attacked with knives and guns from trusted friends and family, then in my late teens, the loss of my daughter and husband. I also suffer from arthritis and migraines, insomnia, and tendonitis. Many people don't understand how hard it is to even get up every day, when half my body hurts, I'm exhausted, and within minutes of my mind waking up I'm filled with "what if" questions in my head. Yet I still do get up, care for all my kids and go on with my life, and be a productive member of society.

And some days, I want to give up. I want to close my online store, quit my jobs, take my children out of school, move to the country and drop off the grid. Other days I only want half of that, and other days, I want none of it and love my life exactly how it is now. Sometimes my children will do things to remind me I'm doing the right things. And other days I want to throw them at the wall and walk away. This blog will be a way for me to sort those thoughts out. I'll say mean things. I'll say nice things, too. I'll likely not say many names, to keep some anonymity for people who don't know who I am. I may refer to my children by middle name, but not first. In fact, yes, that's what I will do. Because with 3 girls, and two boys, saying my son or daughter might not always work well.

Right now... it's about time to start dinner. One child is in his room because he does not want to be around his older sister, who has said she hates him, amung other things today, because she was mad at someone else. Life is always fun with a child who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder... she never knows why she's mad, but she almost always is, or finds something to be upset about, or complain about, even when she's happy and you agree with her. The twins are beside me on the sofa, watching Frozen clips with the middle child, and for once my husband is actually doing dishes! I should be happy, celebrating at this peaceful moment, but all I can do is thing about the fact I'm going to be stuck with all 5 kids tomorrow and the oldest is in a shitty mood so she'll likely still be in one tomorrow... and it scares me. I love all my kids. But taking them out alone scares the daylights out of me. But I do it, because I know I need to and they shouldn't miss out because I am scared.